A New Waffle Is Needed

To quote an old post, the "Waffle Theory" isn't only about moving on, it is about accepting the imperfect waffle; throwing butter and syrup on it and enjoying every bite. But sometimes that waffle is too burnt and the bites you take don't taste so good and sometimes you make a mistake, use sour milk in the recipe and give yourself food poisoning. That is when it is time to give up on enjoying that imperfect waffle and make another; not because you want to, but because it is what is healthiest for you and the other people you share your waffle with.

My focus is not on the past and the many ways I've been wronged over these past 3 years. I am angry, but that will pass. I am moving on because the only way to go is forward. My focus is first on my daughter and what is best for her; second for myself, and third for the animals that also depend on me. We have all been left with nothing, but I am not one to curl up into a ball in defeat.

 Three days ago, we were left with $6 and no car as I packed up our things to leave. Today would have been day 7 of our 7 day eviction notice. Who evicts their own child and her mother in 7 days? I will never understand and I'm not sure that I will ever be able to forgive the total disregard for my child and her well being. Deep breath and move on...

 We are back at my parents' house, where we are safe and warm. I have secured a place for my horses to stay. Charm and hard work goes a long way because people remember you. Dogs and cats are also at my parents. I have taken out my state retirement and have picked up odd jobs to get us by and get a vehicle.

Now that we are safe and have things somewhat figured out for now, my thoughts go to another important person in my life, my daughter's sister and how might she be feeling and dealing with all of this change. I want to talk with her, but I don't know what to say and I don't know how to answer the questions she is going to ask. I want her to know that everything will be ok and that both my daughter and I love her and miss her.

I want her to know that we are going to stay in her life and we will see her every chance that we get. I want her to know that she is a beautiful, smart, wonderful little girl and despite the constant changes in her life she will always persevere. I want her to know that change is good, that it a chance to make things better. Most of all I want her to know that she is loved and that is something that will never change.

#newbeginnings #russelllanpher #rustylanpher #russelllanpheriii #russtylanpherstetsonmaine russell rusty lanpher iii stetson maine bangor maine buckshot maine

Tuesday is Garbage Day

I've been doing a lot of thinking. I've been doing a lot of cleaning. I am reducing the clutter around me because it seems to be effecting me and contributing to my stress. The relief of getting this done is helping me feel better too. Today is Tuesday, garbage day and every Tuesday I will plan on taking my emotional garbage out with the trash. Today I put my current insecurities out on the curb. Today I am confident, smart, and beautiful.

Sincere Appreciation

Last night while shopping, an older gentleman I've never met, smiled at me and said "Hi". He had kind eyes, eyes that reminded me of my grandfather, so I smiled back. This same gentleman stood in front of me in line at the checkout and when the total rang up on his milk and few other food items, he started counting out change. Everyone in the line behind me seemed to grumble. As he was counting, he realized he was 2 cents short. The cashier wouldn't let him take his items without paying the last 2 cents. The entire line grumbled. Automatically, I handed the man 2 cents and when he protested, I just smiled and told him he was doing me a favor by taking it, I have too many pennies weighing me down. He gave me the most sincere thank you and smile that I've ever received. It was nice to be appreciated. I have been in a good mood since and for now I'm going to think of the older gentleman as my guardian angel. Maybe he knew I needed appreciation, but knew I wouldn't accept it unless it was deserved. Not that giving someone a couple cents is some great deed, but it was just enough to help him out and in turn make my day better. Kind older gentleman, where ever you may be, you really did help me by taking those 2 pennies. More then you'll ever know.

5 Years Ago

January 16th has come and gone. This year I didn't even notice. Another year has passed, making it 5 years ago that I cradled Mister's head in my lap for hours, when he couldn't stand, waiting for the vet to euthanize him.

This year I didn't cry. I wrote no sad stories. I didn't feel my heart break all over again. That makes me feel guilty. How could I forget? How could I not wonder what life would be like had he lived? How could I not shed a single tear?

Mister was my world, my rock, my horse. When life seemed to be kicking my butt, he was there to carry me away. He understood me when no one else did. He was there when no one else was. He kept my secrets and inspired my dreams.

It sounds so silly to give so much credit to a horse. Most likely all he ever really knew was that I had carrots in my pocket and if I was crying that meant that he would have to get them himself or wait forever listening to me babble away and cry. Horses don't understand our words or why we are feeling the way we are feeling. They understand that a show of anger means to stay clear, that crying delays the treat giving, and that a laugh is a good thing. They get this from experience and body language. There is a human need to project ourselves onto our horses and believe that they have human qualities. It's a comforting thought that they would understand every word and yet, still keep all our secrets.

I once read somewhere that every horse person has a once in a lifetime horse. I believe Mister was mine. Mister was like an extension of myself and when he died, I felt like a part of me died with him. A part of me was just ripped away and sent on to heaven with him. It's a part of me that I'd like to have back. It was the part of me that knew everything would always be OK; the part of me that knew it was OK to dream, that nothing was impossible, and that a two-minute gallop could leave all my sadness and frustrations in the dust. I guess what I really lost with my horse was my connection to childhood, 5 years ago on January 16th... Rest in peace my sweet boy. I love and miss you daily, even if I don't always show it. You are always in the back of my mind.

Old Stories/Articles

I've started digging up some old articles and short stories from quite sometime ago. Some are posts from my old blogs that I decided to keep... Anyways, I hope that my one follower and anyone that might stumble across my abandoned blog enjoys them. :) I will try to post some new short stories soon.